…You want unity? That’s fair. We will give you unity:
1. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and deny the legitimacy of the 2020 election for the next four years.
2. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and investigate the Biden family’s every business dealing at home and abroad.
3. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and question Biden’s mental fitness to hold office.
4. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and question Biden’s physical fitness to hold office.
5. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and blame Biden for every person who dies from the coronavirus.
6. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and blame Biden personally for every Black person who is shot anywhere in America.
7. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and never stop publicizing that Biden has been accused of grabbing a woman’s crotch against her will.
8. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and emphasize that, any time a woman makes a claim of sexual harassment against Biden, she must be believed.
9. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and continue publicizing that Kamala Harris, like Evita Perón, slept her way into public life.
10. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and remind people that, no less than Stormy Daniels, Kamala Harris was a public figure’s mistress.
11. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and accuse Biden of treason for consorting with enemies like the wife of the Moscow mayor, who gave the Bidens $3.5 million, the Chinese who put the Bidens on their payroll, and the Ukrainians of Burisma.
12. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and investigate the contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, and if and when those photos can be released, they will be distributed to the tune of Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.”
13. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and demand that Biden condemn racism, anti-Semitism, and misogyny every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month of every year.
14. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and remind the American public that, even with dead people casting votes for Biden — Democrats just dying to oust Trump — and with Republican poll watchers kept outside of range in the counting rooms of Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin; and with mail ballots without postmarks being accepted after election deadlines … Biden still did not receive 50 percent of the vote, so lacks the mandate that would have come from winning support from at least a majority of the living electorate.
15. In unity with you, and to advance the national healing, we humbly will acknowledge that Biden indeed won the coveted Obituary Vote, as Democrats, shrouded amid grave circumstances, emerged furtively from their plot to flock in from their cemeteries and mausolea to cast ballots for the candidate to whom they most related in style and substance — and the the one with the most skeletons in the closet. Biden knew how to urn every dead voter’s ballot by invoking the ultimate rule of social distancing: every extra needed Democrat vote must come from a distance of six feet … under. Perhaps on Memorial Day, Biden will lay a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Voter.
16. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and will work to disrupt and slow down every cabinet appointment and every nomination that requires Senate advice and consent. However, we will make one small exception and will not impeach. Just as Richard Nixon knew precisely what he was doing when he made Spiro Agnew his running mate (aka his life insurance policy), so did Biden by running with his.
